NYC can make you AND break you

You always hear the saying, "If you can make it in New York City, you can make it anywhere". I stupidly thought I was such a strong person before getting here and could really muster the strength from my entire life and really live my life to the ABSOLUTE fullest out here. Now here's the actual truth, just because you're a badass doesn't mean you won't have those defining moments in your journey that make you question your entire life. You have those moments that break you down and make you want to cry over almost nothing or maybe even something greatly substantial. I've said this time and time again that I'm not here to tell you how to live your life or even give you a guideline on how to do it. I'm just here to tell you what I've done, how I've fucked up and what I learned from it. Maybe this resonates with you and maybe it doesn't but it's my life's story and I really want to share it in the slight glimpse that it CAN resonate for someone out there trying hard to push through the crazy snow storm of life.

Can I just side note for a sec here? I'm literally sitting in a Starbucks next door to an office where I just had a job interview and was told "I'm just too overqualified" for the 48295782982352 TIME, sitting eating a panini and pumpkin spiced latte (fight me, I love them!) and I'm crying. Yes, I'm crying in Starbucks with a PSL in hand... how fucking cliche?! Why am I crying? Well my wallet was stolen on my birthday last week at a baseball game and I only had $15 in cash to my name until I get a new card tomorrow. I'm also sooooo fucking hungry that I couldn't handle it anymore and needed food. I am waiting to go into my restaurant serving job later this afternoon because, ya know, that's what's paying my bills and I'm praying my L train will run late night around 1:30am -2am because I need to get home safely tonight. Now for some people I may sound like I'm bitching, for others... you may feel my anxiety as I write this. For the other handful, you're like... suck it up bitch, you've got this! Now I'm not at all telling you I have the worst life ever, I'm just telling you about a time when NYC tried to break me. I'm crying, typing on my laptop, in Starbucks, WITH A PSL IN HAND, in the greatest city in the world! Depending on how you look at this life, you may say, "Wow Kas, you're living a fab life!" I want to break it down and tell you that life isn't as perfect as the instagram filtered photos and videos that you see. I won't ever show you a picture of me crying in Starbucks because, that's not inspiring. But that's the real truth.

Despite people thinking that I just type on my laptop in my Manhattan apartment like Carrie Bradshaw, THAT ISN'T REAL! Carrie Bradshaw must've been in the most immense amount of debt by buying so many designer shoes and how come she kept getting credit cards to approve her? On a freelance writers salary? HOW TF IS THAT EVEN REAL?! Sex in the City is a great show and I really aspire to live that lavish lifestyle but like... it's not me. It has never been my life and I may never be in the cards for me. I've always tried my best to make something great out of a pile of dog shit. Ask any one of my friends and they can probably tell you the same thing.

I don't know if anyone thinks I'm living a great lavish life in New York but I'm here to break that stereotype right now. I haven't bought new clothes in months and since not having a credit card & debit card, I couldn't even buy a razor to shave my legs. HAHAHA what kind of life am I living? But I'm here to break down the not so glamorous life I'm living LOL

What I'm trying to say here is that, following your dreams will actually break you. If you're not crying and questioning what the fuck you're doing with your life 2189473897431 times in a day, then you're doing it wrong. At least, that's what I hear from motivational speakers. It sounds right but how do you know if you're following the RIGHT path that God has planned for you? Even if you're not a religious or spiritual person... how do you know what the right thing to do is? Especially as an adult when you don't have anyone telling you the next step? We've lived our entire lives until this moment with people telling us what to do next. What happens when you steer off that path? You didn't marry your college sweetheart, buy a home, have a bunch of babies and take that stable career? You chose something else or something else in life chooses you?!

I'm asking myself how did I get here? Because I have no clue what I'm doing. Some people are just so lucky to know what they want to do for the rest of their lives and have discovered that passion, execute it, follow it and find "success". I say "success" because I think success is so depended on how you look at it. Some people may think I've found success and yet I sit here crying in a coffee shop.

The one thing that I know is true is that I'm not meant to live a 'regular' life. I can't wrap my head around working a job that I hate for years upon years, marrying a man that doesn't want to be with me and wakes up resenting my existence every day, living in a town in the middle of no where and just hating everything. I don't wish that life on my worst enemy. I deserve to be happy and so do you! Music makes me happy, working hard makes me happy, New York Fucking City makes me so happy. My heart is so happy with the big decisions that I've made in my life, there's just a few speed bumps that kinda suck.

There you have it, my quick life update of that time I cried in Starbucks in New York City with only $2 to my name and drinking a pumpkin spiced latte because, well, I felt like I deserved it today. It's okay to cry, crying means you are trying to understand how you're feeling, why you feel sad, how to make the situation better, letting your frustrations out and then MOVING ON. I've cried a lot since moving here because some shitty things have happened but bigger and shittier things have happened in my life and I moved on from that. I'm stronger for it and I'll be stronger after I publish this post and share it with you guys. Hope my rambling helps someone out there! You'll be okay and push through it, keep fighting because you a fucking BADASS MUTHA FUKA!